It’s the space in between that counts

Here’s something I know for sure, as I sit there in your space, in your world, it is the space in between everything that counts. The space between the glances that say everything, the space between the words that you say, and the words that you don’t, the space between the beds, the space between what I want to say, and what I actually say.

We talk about Eurovision, and writing, and life. I tell you about work and research and teaching. But underneath it all, not-so-deeply hidden, are the things that hang in the space between us. There they sit, like electricity, like a thing so real you could reach out and grab it with your hands, cradle it gently, shape it into something that looks like forever.

I want to tell you what I have learned about the world, what I know, what I’ve seen. But I know you need to see that for yourself. I want to see into the recesses of that world that I can understand too well, but not well enough.

I want to tell you what I told your mother, because it is the one thing I know to be true, you have to find it within you. Nobody else can be your light. You have to shine from within. Otherwise you are always just sitting in the dark waiting for someone to rock up with a torch. And when they leave? It’s just dark again. People tell me I shine. That’s because I found my light. But I won’t let people use me as a torch. That’s the other side to it. Making any other person your whole reason for being, for not being, for feeling and acting, that’s not fair on them. People are only people. We’re human. We all get it wrong, we all stuff up. Nobody can be your everything, because they will fail. That’s human nature. And by making them your everything you are just setting both of you up for the fall.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is simply that. I have a voice. I am powerful. I am real and I am in control. Nobody makes me feel anything. I choose to feel it, or I don’t. Nobody makes me do, or not do, anything. I make my own choices around my actions, and even my reactions, and I own those. I don’t believe the words “you made me angry” mean anything at all. No. I didn’t. I acted. I did something. It may or may not have been connected with you. Then you made a choice around that. Consciously, or subconsciously, it hardly matters, you decided to interpret my actions in a particular way. To take them on board, and then to feel a certain way about them. But you have ALL the power. I didn’t MAKE you feel angry. I just did something in the world. You chose the anger. And you can choose not to feel that.

The same is true of guilt. I have tried to explain this to her before. She asked “but how do I not feel guilty?”. The answer? I don’t really know, just one day you realise that you hold all the cards. That you are choosing to feel that way about something. That all actions, reactions, things in the world, are all just things. They don’t come with poisonous barbs that can penetrate your inner emotional psyche. You let them. You let them in, you choose the feelings, and then you sit in them. Allow them to consume you until they eat your shadow.

I won’t do that any more. I don’t do that. I make conscious choices around how I feel about things. Sometimes I have a feeling surface that I feel bad about, guilt, anger, sadness. What do I do? I OWN it. I am feeling this feeling. I will acknowledge that it is MY feeling, and mine alone. I will feel it, for a little while, then I will let it go, because I don’t like it, and I choose not to sit in that state. But my feelings are my own. I won’t give up my power. This is the main thing I have learned.

So take some time to find your light. Take your power back. Own your feelings. They are yours. Be your own lighthouse. Don’t wait for some random to rock up with a torch. Not only could you be waiting a bloody long time, but torches run on batteries, and random people are unreliable. Your light is eternal. Once you find it, you’ll never need a torch again.

light within

 

Editor’s Note: I came back to blog after a long hiatus to leave this message. I hope it will make a difference out there. I’m back to public settings. Nice to see you all after so long. I am on practicum again for teaching starting next week, then I hope to revamp the site with some new colours and let you know what I’ve been up to. I hope you’re all well. I miss my blog family.

I always wanted to be somebody

 

 

“I always wanted to be somebody but now I realise I should have been more specific”

- Lily Tomlin

I always wanted to be somebody, and lately I have been reflecting on the person I have become. You see, it occurred to me that I am almost…..*gasp*…..MIDDLE AGED! Like, totally half way through my life. What does that even mean?

Rug

I always DID want to be somebody, yet I find myself still the same somebody I was back then. Still the same teenager grappling with the same issues and staring down the same demons, only now I have wrinkles, grey hairs and responsibilities. I guess I thought that as I got older all these issues, all these demons, would somehow have answers. But here’s the thing, they don’t. They just keep popping back up. Different presentations of the same issues. The same wave in different forms. So I am spending some time on self reflection. Trying to work out what I want to do with myself now and trying to stare down those demons once and for all. I am sick of carrying them around in a suitcase which occasionally flings open in the middle of a crowded airport terminal and flashes my undergarments to the world. Nope. Those demons get out here. I’m done with them. But this will not be easy.

How about you? Do you have demons you are carrying in your suitcase? Do you stow them or take them in your carry on luggage and grip them like your life depends on it? What did you want to do when you grew up? Who did you want to be? Now that you are all grown up did you make it?

Ahhh that deep stuff.

Stay awesome

x

Dear Time, I do not believe you are absolute

Dear Time,

If you are as absolute as you say you are then how come when I spend an hour cleaning the bathroom it feels like a week, and when I spend an hour hanging out with friends it feels like five minutes? How does two weeks of school holidays feel like two days and ten weeks of school term feel like ten years?

You see, I know you believe yourself to be a mathematical measurement and oh-so-very objective, but I disagree. I think you are very much subjective. I have often chatted to my girlfriend about what I call ‘The Time Vortex’. This is the zone we enter when we are not together. In this zone time slows down to a snail’s pace. Everything seems to drag like a slow internet connection. When we are together you are like a hyperactive teenage boy who forgot to take his Ritalin. You fly past without passing go or collecting $200, and before we know it she is gone again and we are dropped back into the slow zone.

It’s like I use up all my downloads in two days of the week and then go to dial up speed. The same thing happens when I win an awesome bargain item on ebay and I’m waiting for that package to arrive in the post. Those 5-7 business days seem like years. Every day I’m checking the mail box and turning up empty handed. I think “surely it’s been 7 days already?”. I check the date, nope, it’s only been 2 days *sigh*.

One last thing before I go, why, if you are such a mathematically sound measurement, do you speed up as I get older? 6 weeks of school holidays felt like FOREVER when I was a kid. Now 6 weeks goes past so quickly I barely feel like I’ve stacked the dishwasher. And now I am heading into a University semester where I will be studying a double full-time study load, working, and hopefully traveling to a rural town to work with some students to write a book. I also need to get my car inspected, registered, serviced and traded in for something bigger, and somehow be a parent, daughter, sister, granddaughter, lover and friend on some kind of decent level. Time, I don’t know that you’re really working for me. In fact I have this sneaking suspicion you actually look something like this…

Time

Yep. Pretty accurate.

I may write again at some point after this semester finishes, until then I will try to work out how to freeze you using my mind just like Hiro Nakamura

hiro nakamura heroes

Forever Yours,

Steph

PS If there really is a way to freeze you or if I could somehow get extra bits of you please advise immediately.