The Owl and The Peacock

stephrogers:

One from the history books, but oh so relevant tonight. I love that Peacock of mine. She is truly beautiful ♡

Originally posted on She Said What?:

Once upon a time there was an Owl. She was not particularly wise or particularly old, but she did like to read books, and she was always writing things. Scrawling and scratching on bits of bark and tree trunks and large flattish leaves.

Owl

View original 878 more words

How to Be a Jackass

927154422_3eddeae308

Editor’s note – hey peeps, guess what? We have the amazing Sam here on our blog again WOOOT! If you don’t follow him already, shame on you! He’s here to tell you how to be a jackass – so go on over and follow his blog here and take your best jackassery with you!

I admit it. I can be a jackass sometimes. I’m a guy so maybe I should get a free pass, but something tells me that’s not happening anytime soon. I’ll also admit, though, that being a jackass can feel really good on occasion, like when I’m blustering for the sake of blustering, or when the ladies find that attractive. I don’t try to figure out what’s wrong with them for finding jackass behavior exciting. I instead just go with it because it’s the only way my jackass tendencies net me any profit.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t try to be a jackass. Not really, anyway. I guess it all goes back to bragging when I was a kid. From since before I can remember I was good with memorization. I could look at something once and remember it for years afterward. That talent made it easy for me to seem like I was paying close attention to what people said, that the words had made an indelible impression, that I was a studious young man when really it was just something that came easily to me.

And I lorded it over everyone else at every possible opportunity. I still do when the mood hits. That’s not to say I haven’t matured, because I have, but when someone tells me they’ve said something they haven’t it’s just a card I like to pull out, and wave it in front of their faces like a bull on parade. As I’ve gotten older I’ve just added some more characteristics to the repertoire, to enhance it. The biggest one is a touch of arrogance related to sports, and by extension the gambling aspects of sports and the spectator.

Believe me, I never wanted sports to be some big thing in my life, but it’s polarizing. This guy likes this team and hates it when I bring up statistics that put down that team. So I keep doing it, jackass style. Another dude tells me the Redskins will beat the Jaguars, so I bet against him, knowing all the statistics like I do, then lord it over him when he inevitably loses and I win, win, WIN. Because that’s the only thing that drives me forward, the art of winning and then bragging about it. Why does that get me so excited? I don’t know, but it definitely gets more attention than humility ever does.

It’s easy to be a jackass, too, to just let it wash over me in waves and by extension get everyone wet with it before all is said and done. Here’s how you too can be a jackass:

  1. Tell people stuff they don’t want to hear. You heard something that’s supposed to be a secret and you spread it to anyone and everyone you possibly can, feigning ignorance that it was even supposed to be under wraps. “Huh? What do you mean no one was supposed to know she gave you chlamydia?”
  2. Brag about impossible things. Nothing says jackass more than busting people’s balls over things that can never possibly be proven, but that you claim to know or to be able to do. “Sure, the wind chill makes it feel like -30 but I’ve been through worse in just a t-shirt.”
  3. Have no shame. People who have shame have consciences, and you don’t want to buy into the thought that everyone has limits. The quicker you can drop the shame like a bad habit the easier it will be to say things to others that no one else would dare say. “Yeah, Linda, you could stand to lose about 20 pounds.”
  4. Laugh at inappropriate things. Being a jackass means not caring about other people’s feelings, so laugh when someone tells you anything private, or when a drug test comes back positive. There’s not much funnier than the misfortune of others. It may lose you friends, but why should you force yourself not to laugh? “Man, that’s too funny that you got caught peeing in that alley!”
  5. Be a pompous jerk. If someone tells you they got a promotion at work talk about how lame their job is in the first place. If they are happy about getting pregnant explain how you’ve been there and done that, and how it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. You’ve always been there first, and you’ve always done it better, even if you really haven’t. “I’m glad you got a signed baseball, but I used to own a baseball team.”

It’s surprisingly easy to be a jackass, especially if you have a pair of balls, but girls can be jackasses too in their own right. In fact it’s even better when the jackass is a girl because people don’t expect it. And as a guy if you can hitch your train to that girl kudos to you because she’ll set you up for some great jokes and punchlines just being around her. Besides, having another jackass for a friend helps you realize the meaning of life isn’t to make others happier. It’s really all about looking out for number one, and making sure everyone else realizes they’re playing for second.

Sam

A day in the life…

Life has been crazy lately (as opposed to when exactly?), but I have managed to get some stuff done, and some major things have happened. Firstly the good things;

1. My youngest child is toilet trained. Granted, if it is not raining he pees on the grass instead of in the toilet, has taken to not wearing clothes at all ever, and constantly playing with his willy, but at least I am not changing his butt any more and the poops go in the toilet, so yay! Oh and if I ever get another puppy I am so down with how to toilet train it to pee on the grass.

2. I got a job (WOOOOT!). One that will pay actual money. I will not be so poor I’m looking in the bottom of the change tin to find coins and putting $5.95 worth of petrol in my car because that was all I could find.

3. My kids are all doing well. The oldest one is about to turn 11 on Monday. Which is Australia Day here, or Invasion Day (depending on your perspective). In reality it’s more like the day when every Australian gets an excuse to get drunk, talk crap about anyone who is outside the mainstream culture, and wear an Australian flag like a bogan super-cape. We call it “Abi Day” because it is her birthday, and refuse to partake in the boganism

bogans are coming

4. I am almost finished Uni summer school. Which is awesome. And I think I might just survive it. My family has been amazing, looking after my kids and helping me out so much. I don’t know what I would do without them. I have no words for that

The bad things…

1. My girlfriend has been sick. It’s been like living with a shell. She has come back to me now, but god I missed her when her eyes were empty and her words gave away her position in some far away place I couldn’t reach. It is so good to have her back. I hope she never leaves again.

2. A young person I am very close to, and who is very special to me, is unwell and in hospital. It is really heartbreaking. And anxiety ridden and I can’t stop worrying. It is never far from my mind.

3. My car got taken away, so I had to scrape together what money I could borrow from family and buy another one. I got an old Pajero. That thing is like a truck. I can’t park it to save myself so I’ve taken to parking a LONG way away and walking everywhere. It’s also spanish for ‘wanker’ so I’m told. So the car has become The Wanker.

4. Stress is eating me alive. But it’s making me fatter. How is that even possible? It is totally illogical.

5. I am doing a uni ASSignment which has me looking at Whisper and Tumblr and analysing them in terms of social theory. I am getting a little bit addicted to whisper. I am going to leave you with one of my favourites from today’s Whisper surfing…

Whisper 1

Keep it classy

and I can’t resist sharing this little “horror sex stories” gem…

Whisper 2

Because NOTHING gets in the way of family feud (I think this person needs to seriously examine if they may be batting for the wrong team, family feud over sex? Seriously?!)

And just for good measure…

Whisper 2

remember guys…

Peace out

xx